First, to Dean,

Thanks very much for your kind review. I agree it doesn't deserve 5 stars, so no offense taken. I wish I had thought to do the same for you when I came to see your excellent fringe show two years ago, and there were like 5 people in the audience. I hear from Paul you made best of the fringe this year. Congratulations! I'm leaving soon to see your show this afternoon.

And to Patrick,

Thanks as well! I didn't find your name in the Fringe database of shows, so it looks like I got my first positive review from an actual audience member! It's nice to see some of the people who like this kind of thing found out about it. I hope to do some more along these lines at some point. I also perform somewhat regularly at Ball's Cabaret midnight at the southern theater. If you haven't caught any of my material there yet, you might enjoy it.

As for the rest of you....

Gentlemen, if you thought you deserved complimentary tickets, all you had to do was ask.

If on the other hand you truly didn't 'get' the show then perhaps I need to explain to you that this is not a critical response section in which critics respond to my show, but instead a section where I respond to critics of my show. That's called a double-entendre, by the way. But I suppose two layers of meaning is one layer too deep for you.

So, the program is funnier than the show, eh? I'll have to just get up and read the program next time. See if I don't, or blame my goody-two-shoes tech person for not brooking the change. But then, why should I bother? At no point did I claim the show would be humorous. All I promised was that it would be EVIL. And horrid. I think I mentioned horrid. Do play along with the copy, there's a good critic! It WAS horrid, wasn't it? So call it horrid for Chrissake! Or EVIL. It was EVIL wasn't it? Or maybe you feel I should give your friends comps, too?

If you were of the impression that Messrs. Keillor, Kling, Hoptman, Niemi or Seal would actually stoop to appearing in or writing a show by a nobody like me, even under threat, then you obviously have some learning to do about the way the world works and what it takes to be a big-shot in this business. I gave them every opportunity to do so, but not because I thought they'd actually show, rather for effect. You've heard of effect, I trust? If you thought the pictures were actually of them, then you might recall that none of them has that mustache, or those glasses.

And you call yourself critics! HA! I've heard better criticism from the voices in my head! You liked my ranting skills, eh? I think I feel a RANT coming on about audience fringe critics. I'll be sure not to post it until after the 14th, though, because I'm sure EVERYONE listens to you.

If anyone desires a copy of the program without having to attend the show, they are available from me for $2.

For context (if not content) you might wish to read the reviews I'm referring to. Unfortunately for you, they took them down, the cowards, so you'll have to make do with my slightly faulty version of total recall. It tells me they said:

Gabe Heller is NOT funny! Don't let the posters fool you into thinking messrs Hoptman, Kling or Keillor will be there! I walked out after 5 minutes.

Gabe Heller is clearly quite talented. He plays multiple roles without skipping a beat, and the last bit showcases his considerable ranting skills, but he is not funny. It's odd because I know he CAN be funny. The program had me in stitches. .