To whomever it may concern: You know who you are. I also know who you are. I know things about you. Or at least I think I do, which is really all that matters as I am after all a playwright. Things so tragically mundane that their public announcement would instantly put an end to any artistic mystique you may have built around yourself, and yet so horrifyingly out of the ordinary that if they were to reach the wrong ears you would instantly be fired from your day-jobs. You know the things of which I speak. Unless my demands are met, I will reveal these things to the unsuspecting public at my Fringe Festival show this year. My demands are as follows: First, I demand that you write this show for me. You are all already characters in my show, whether you will or no. Should you fail to write your own lines I will write them for you. And instead of your normal audience-fascinating shtick, your character will admit those very things of which I spoke above. However, I am the final arbiter of what appears in my play and what doesn't. If your artistic output fails to be sufficiently evil, I will substitute my own evil words for yours. Second, I demand that you perform this show for me. If you fail to show up and read the lines written for your character, I will read them for you. With zest I shall portray you as the buffoons, the twisted and pathetic caricatures of human beings that I know you to be. Your only method of avoiding such horror is to throw yourself into the breach and save your own reputation. However, I warn you, should I find your performance indigestibly full of niceness and goodness, I shall take matters into my own hands. And I guarantee, I am capable of doing much more than simply asking you to leave. Much much more. Your only option is compliance. You will meet me weekly, on Monday evening at my mobile home at 5895 W 176th st, Farmington, MN 55024 there to slave away on a 10-year-old laptop with a dead battery and a tiny keyboard, composing your only chance at salvation. After you assist me in re-aligning my satellite dish and cleaning up my trailer, that is. Be warned, being evil, I am completely unforgiving of schedule conflicts or lack of transportation on your part. If your salvation requires you to cancel personal meetings and purchase an evil pollution-belching monster in order to reach the meeting, so much the better, I say. Upon completion of the play you will rehearse your parts to my satisfaction on your own recognizance and present your performance to me within one week of opening night. Beware, I am very hard to satisfy. You will have to be in your worst evil form to avoid your wretched fate. Do not forget: I am both your director AND your understudy. If I am not pleased, I will not hesitate to replace you. I leave your decision between yourself and whatever you hold sacred. I'll see you next Monday. Sincerely Gabe Heller