Top ten uses for a Matrox 2-Person Lift Military Surplus Combination 286/Laserdisc Player:

10. Doorstop.
9. Footstool.
8. Cooling off on those hot summer days (may require earplugs).
7. Distracting the Software Piracy police from your real computer.
6. Finding out what DOES happen when the dial reaches 10000 hours.
5. Device for breaking falls (don't laugh too hard, it could happen to you, too!)
4. Keeping elephants from moving quite so fast.
3. Trying to take over the world.
2. You're not cleared for this one.
1. Actually watching laserdiscs (always seems like an anticlimax doesn't it?)

So, if you want to take advantage of the great laserdisc sell-off in favor of DVD which the experts say is just around the corner . . really . . any day now . . blink and you might miss it . . whoops, you blinked!
If you don't care if THX comes through in brilliant 44khz digial monoural,
If you don't care how long it takes to spin up, (15 seconds or more)
If you don't care about fiddly little features like buttons and things,
If you don't care that I can't actually tell you where to get one,
Let's face it, if you just don't care,
Then this could be the product for you!

Oh, and it is a fully functional 286 computer with a 40 Meg hard drive, two 720k 3" disk drives, EGA graphics card, driverless sound and TV cards, SCSI controller with external port and BIOS setup utility (a 286 with a bios setup utility? will wonders never cease?), three monitor power outputs, a voltage switch for operation abroad (though not PAL/SECAM support so far as I know. . .anyone have a free PAL laserdisc I could try?), two conveniently situated handles, and comes with full-featured military morse code training programs.

Almost forgot that.

I forget what it is. What is it?
Yeah, but what good is it?
Yes, but what can I, ME, Personally do with this 43 pound hunk of junk that I ferociously deny owning?
What's it look like again?
Forget this. I want to see Gabe's homepage.